Thursday Thanks

I am thankful for growing older and, I hope, somewhat wiser.      I am thankful that I have learned that, for the most part, whatever I decide to do right now in exchange for delaying something on my "to do" list is okay.      I am thankful that I am good with knowing that sometimes I am cranky, sometimes I am silly, and sometimes I am just a pain in the ass!      I am thankful that I don't need everyone to like me and I don't have to pretend to like everyone else.      I am thankful that I have learned that the only friendships worth pursuing and maintaining are those that make my life better and that it is okay to let go of the ones that don't.     I am thankful that lots of people give me second chances even if I don't always do the same.     I am thankful that tomorrow is a promise waiting to unfold even if today totally sucked.     I am thankful for simple things even if life's complexities overwhelm me.     I am thankful for variety even as I return to old favorites.     I am thankful that I realize that perfection is just a word in the dictionary and that my life is great even though it is far from perfect.     I am thankful.

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

Today is the last day of 2010 and while I am looking forward to a new year, I am also reflecting on the last 365 days. What an amazing, wonderful year this has been. Much the same as 2009 was the worst year of my life, 2010 has been the best year of my life! I am grateful that the two happened back-to-back, because the challenges of 2009 had diminished my joy for life and I needed a bad-ass, full of good things year to swing the pendulum the other way. While there are and always will be challenges in my life, this year is ending at a time when I feel so incredibly blessed for all that I have and everyone that I know.

At the top of my list, my own sweet boy, Matty, is happier than I have ever seen him. Matt has had an epiphanous year; he has learned much about himself and is becoming such a fine man. He is in a healthy and happy relationship with Brooke, and the blessing on top of that blessing is her daughter, BG (as previously noted, I am using the pseudonym Baby Girl). Matt is in love with the pair of them, and it fills my heart with warmth and joy to see how tender, kind and caring he is with his girls. There is nothing more fulfilling as a parent than seeing my adult child making good choices and loving his life!

Like Matt, I have learned a lot about myself this year. I think I am most content to know that my capacity for learning, changing and growing is still intact. As I settle in to mid-life, I have at times wondered if I am becoming too set in my ways. What 2010 has taught me, as I compare and contrast it with 2009, is that I can be thrown into new situations, sometimes hard, unappealing or even unimaginable, and I can get through them. What at first is scary or unknown can become part of a new normal, and I will be okay. Strike that. I will not only be okay, but my capacity for empathy and caring will actually expand, and I will be better than I was before because my understanding about life and humanity has amplified.

2010 unfolded and changed in ways I never expected or could have anticipated. As it draws to a close, I sit here happy, content, full of joy for where I am at this moment in my life. I have an amazing son, my parents are healthy and happy, my siblings and their families are all doing well, and I have been richly blessed with incredible friends. I have a good job, a nice home, and truly want for nothing because I am privileged to live in the richest country in the world.

I am thankful for 2010 being a kick-ass year and I am excited to say, "Hello, 2011!"

Thursday Thanks

Today I am thankful for the many holiday gatherings that I have been to and that still remain. It has been so wonderful to spend time relaxing with friends. And my favorite part of these gatherings is the ho-ho-hugs!

A funny Christmas memory

When Matt was little, at Christmas I would sometimes ask a friend to take him shopping to get me a Christmas present. I felt that I needed to teach him about giving, so I would give a friend some money for him to shop for me.

One year when he was 7 or 8 years old, I took him to the store myself. We went to a small drugstore that had mirrors at the top of the walls so I could see him and make sure no one bothered him. I gave him $20 and walked him through the store to give him some ideas of what he could get me. I pointed out things like candles, lotion, earrings, bubble bath and the like. I showed him where I would be waiting for him and off he went.

After a few minutes, Matt came back and asked if he could get something for himself, too. I told him that would be okay. So off he went again and a short time later he was done with his purchase. As we walked to the car, he excitedly showed me the cool Hot Wheels set he got for himself, keeping my gift hidden in the bag.

After showing me his new toy, Matt said, "You might think I spent more on my toy than your present, but they were the same, Mom. I promise." After we got home, Matt happily played with his new toy. At some point he got my gift wrapped and under the tree. On Christmas morning, I cracked up when I opened my present from Matt--it was a hairbrush!

Cost of a hairbrush: $3
Cost of a Hot Wheels set: $15
Cost of this Christmas memory: priceless

My Christmas Story

It was December 1992, just a few days before Christmas, when there was an unexpected knock at my door. When I opened the door, there was a Fed Ex delivery person with two huge boxes. I was definitely not expecting anything, so this delivery was a surprise.

I moved the boxes into the living room and opened them immediately. I just could not imagine what I would be getting, and in such big boxes. Matt was just a little guy at the time, not quite two and a half, so he was right by my side as I opened the boxes. I opened the first box and found gift after gift after gift, tagged for me and Matt. The second box was more of the same, plus I found the following note:

My co-workers from my last job had “adopted” me and Matt for Christmas that year, continuing a department tradition that had started a few years prior to adopt a “needy” family. Just a few months before, I had made the decision to relocate to the Northwest to move away from an unhealthy situation with Matt’s father. I left my home, my family, my friends, and a great job that I loved to move to the Northwest and an unknown future.

I was 29 years old and it was the first Christmas that I would not be spending with my family. (And I love Christmas with my family!) I had no job and I had no friends. And I had a little guy who deserved to experience the wonders of the season. I was trying to make the best of our situation, but it was hard. I think that was the year that I finally understood firsthand how powerful the lyrics are to I’ll Be Home for Christmas. I think I cried every time I heard it that year because it would only be in my dreams that we would be in the middle of a large family gathering, hearing stories, exchanging presents, laughing, and being loved by my family.

I was crying as I took each carefully wrapped package out of the boxes. The friends and coworkers I left behind made it so clear that we were not forgotten, that we were still cared for and supported from afar. Little Matty was so confused – he was old enough to know that presents were good, but his Momma was crying, which was not good. I could not believe how many presents we had.

In addition to the presents, they also included photos with little dialogue bubbles from everyone in the department.

At a time in my life when I was feeling lonely and sad, it was as if everyone from my old job had reached out to give us a group hug. We were warm in the embrace of their act of kindness. I don’t think I have had a harder holiday season to get through, but this was such a thoughtful “gift” that meant so much more than the actual presents we received that day.

(There were plenty of gifts and it took all day for us to open them on Christmas. Matt would open a present and be quite content to play with it, so he had to be encouraged to open another one. And another. And another. It took hours to get them all opened.)

The gifts I received that day have stayed with me all these years. It was experiencing firsthand the spirit of generosity and the goodness of people. It was knowing the importance of reaching out to people who are alone and might be struggling through the holidays. It was about how a gesture, such as buying a gift for a little boy, might not seem that important, but how it can make all the difference in a day or even in a life. It was about how every act of kindness can have lasting impact, even if we have long forgotten what we did.

I will never forget what my coworkers did for Matt and me that Christmas. In the years since, we have had opportunity to pay it forward by adopting a family or choosing a child from a Christmas giving tree. I do believe it is better to give than receive, but back in 1992, what I needed was exactly what we got, which was to receive the love and kindness bestowed upon us by my former coworkers. That is my amazing Christmas story. (If you would like to read another, from this year, check out this blog post.)

Six-Word Sunday

Long ago kindness still moves me!

Happy anniversary, Matt!

Matt, what a special day this is – you have reached 12 months of sobriety! This last year has been truly amazing and you have shown me that there is always, always hope for things to get better. You have shown me that people can change. You have shown me that it is important to stand by the people we love and never give up on them. You have taught me that we all have challenges in life which can seem insurmountable, but can be overcome. You have shown me that everyone has a story, that there is more to a person than what can readily be seen. You have helped me look at the world in a different way, because beneath the surface, there can be so much heartache and pain tucked away. You have taught me to put away my judgments about what I see, and to think about what I do not see, what I do not know. You have taught me that I can still stretch and grown and learn. You have reminded me to appreciate the quiet moments, the time with the people I love. You have helped me understand more about myself, and in so doing, more about other people. You have inspired me to believe, to reclaim my optimism. You have restored my hope in what the future will bring. You have changed your life, and in so doing, you have changed me! Thank you for a happy year and happy one year to you!

Mom

Thursday Thanks

Tomorrow night I am going to have a special dinner with Matt, just the two of us because his girls have gone out of town to visit relatives for the holidays.We haven't spent much time together lately because Matt is smitten with Brooke (and her daughter, BG), so he spends most of his free time with them.

Today I am thankful for anticipation and all of the feelings that come with it.I am excited for the work week to end, not because of work, but because I have something so wonderful to look forward to!

Jingle Bells

One of my holiday traditions is to hang bells on all of the doorknobs in my house. This is a handed down tradition from my Mom, though she didn't have bells on every door in her house.

There is something festive about having the bells in my house, ringing each time a door is opened or closed. It's a simple thing, but for me jingle bells is one of the sounds of the season.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

In 1981, when my first niece, Lisa, was born, I decided to make her a Christmas stocking. I had never made a stocking before, but when I was growing up, I and all of my siblings had these wonderful felt stockings that had been made by my grandmother. Each one was unique and we really enjoyed having them.

So, little Lisa was born in September of 1981 and her Auntie Barb made her a stocking. (On a side note, my grandma taught me to "put a sock in the sock," so the stockings I made are lined thanks to my Grandma's tip.) Well, the next baby born in our family was Lisa's little brother, Brian, so I wanted to make him a stocking, too. Then a few months later, on my 21st birthday, my nephew, Stanley, was born, and naturally I had to make him a stocking. The next year, Stan's little brother, Billy, was born and of course I decided to make a stocking for him as well.

Without making a conscious decision to make stockings for all of my nieces and nephews, one birth led to another and with each a stocking was made. The challenging year was when all five of my siblings had babies (Annie, Laurie, Kalie, Kyle and Ben). I definitely got behind that year on making Christmas stockings! Oh, you know I had to make a stocking for my Matty, too!

Here are photos of some of the stockings:

Sadly, I do not know what happened to the stocking that my Grandma made me, so my hope is that the stockings I made for my nieces and nephews are still hung by the chimney with care!